Let’s face it. Women are completely insane… at least from a man’s point of view. What guy wouldn’t agree that it’s easier to solve a Rubik’s cube in the midst of an acid trip than to decipher even a single sentence’s worth of undertones coming from the mouth of a female?

Our lovely companions implore us to work on our communication skills while they continue to speak solely in “womanese,” no matter how many times we prove that we can’t understand a lick of it (even a drunken Japanese tourist gives up after a while). So from this one example alone, it’s safe to conclude that women are collectively bat-shit crazy.

But wait… I just had a thought: maybe the entire female population isn’t fundamentally insane, and instead, just wired a little bit differently. If this is truly the case (and not just another fabrication of LSD-Land), then maybe men and women could actually learn to respect our differences and find a way to live in peace and harmony without the constant posturing for gender supremacy.

Ha, fat chance. This benevolent hallucination is at least another seven-hundred centuries away. But in the meantime, you can get a head start on evolution by checking out the book, “Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps” by Barbara and Allan Pease.

This book brings the latest scientific discoveries to the table to answer the age-old question of why men and woman have such a hard time communicating with each other. It starts off by stating that it’s safe to “blame everything on the hormones,” since new biological evidence shows that our brain wiring and hormone levels have a major impact on our attitudes and behaviors. And since the women in our lives have different mixes of hormones than we do (hopefully!) it makes sense that they might act and think a bit differently, too.

If you don’t believe me, feel free to snip off the yarbles in the name of science and report back your findings. Although, if you follow through, you probably won’t be so interested in reading this blog anymore and will be off in search of more worldly pursuits, such as becoming a champion flower arranger or the most sought after air steward in the industry.

But for now (while the boys are still attached) here are some things you should keep in mind when interacting with women:

1. Don’t try to lie

Or at least, don’t expect to get away with it. Women are equipped with far more finely tuned sensory skills then men which gives them the ability to decode subtle non-verbal signals that can easily be missed by less gifted males. This explains “woman’s intuition” and their ability to just “know” things without exactly understanding how they know.

Not all women have this heightened sense of awareness, but since most do, it means that nine times out of ten you will be faced with the daunting task of trying to bullshit a carbon-based polygraph machine. But don’t fret. Instead of forever relegating yourself to the pursuit of the noble truth, it may be a good idea to study our presidential candidates to pick up some of their “spin tactics.” “No honey, I didn’t lie about where I was last night. I simply mis-spoke.”

2. Hugs, not drugs

Touch can be very therapeutic, especially for a woman. While studying the effects of hugs on neurotic or depressed women, researchers found that the speed at which the ladies recovered was directly related to the number of times they were hugged during this period. In addition, anthropologists have discovered that children who are rarely touched while young tend to contribute higher levels of violence to their society when they reach adulthood. As George Carlin likes to say, “Hug the little bastard, will ya? He’ll thank you for it someday.”

What’s interesting about the act of touch is that it secretes a hormone called oxytocin which makes a person feel good while encouraging a sense of bonding between individuals. Since women have touch receptors that are ten times more sensitive than a man’s, it’s a good idea to stop blowing all your money on dinner, movies and bags of yayo and instead, strive to be the biggest hug dealer in your neighborhood.

Unless of course, you can get your hands on the new flavored white going around. Girls can’t get enough of that cotton candy drip.

3. Take your vitamins

A woman’s sense of smell is usually more finely tuned than a man’s and gets even more sensitive around ovulation time. Her nose is designed to pick up on the state of a man’s immune system and, if it’s complimentary to hers (or perceived to be stronger), she will usually find him to be much more attractive than if he were a nancy-pancy bubble-boy.

I may not be 6’7, 280lbs, but my viral defense system can beat the living crap out of swine flu, and that’s just downright sexy.

(The Jack Your Immunity Tip of the Day: If you really want to crank up your immune system to dizzying new heights, get your hands on some raw colostrum.)

4. Show some respect… for her brain.

Ever get discouraged by the fact that your girl can usually argue circles around you? Well dry your tears and ditch the dunce cap because science is here to tell you it’s all gonna be ok.

Another fact the authors point out is that women are biologically wired to be better communicators than men. One of the reasons is that the female hormone estrogen prompts nerve cells to grow more connections between a woman’s brain hemispheres – the more connections you have, the more fluent your speech.

Also, the amount of estrogen in a woman’s system at any given time will affect how articulate she is at that moment. On the days my girl can’t string two sentences together, I love to look at her and taunt, “Low estrogen day, baby?” Of course, on the days her estrogen dips, her testosterone levels will usually be higher than normal. This leads to a notable increase in her ability to park my car with without denting the crap out it, since testosterone increases a person’s spatial perception.

Thankfully, higher test levels also lead to other activities that don’t require much speaking.

Here’s another interesting fact about the female brain: The average man has over four billion times more brain cells than the average woman, yet women commonly test about 3% higher on general intelligence tests. Maybe this is why woman love to point out that it’s not how much you have, but how you use it that counts.

5. Suck it up and go buy some earplugs

It’s no secret that women like to talk… a lot. And one of the reasons for this is that women are pre-wired to think aloud. The building of relationships through talk is an instinctual priority for women and because of this, nature has designed them to speak an average of 7,000 communication words a day, whereas a man only averages around 3,000.

By dinner time, women will usually have a couple of thousand unused words in the can and feel the urge to gab, whereas men will feel more comfortable plopping down in front of the TV with a beer for some peace and quiet. Often times, a lack of compromise here can lead to complications in the long run.

And when our girlfriends are speaking their unused words at the end of the day (male translation=blabbering about nonsense), the last thing they want is to be interrupted with problem solving suggestions. But since the male brain is wired for efficient problem solving, it’s difficult for us to keep our mouths shut when we come up with the perfect solutions for her seemingly irrelevant conundrums.

Women also tend to speak a lot more when they’re stressed and it seems that the best way to handle these situations is to let them talk about whatever’s bothering them without offering any advice. Pretty soon they’ll feel better about the situation and the only effort you had to exert was a few head nods and shoulder squeezes. Congrats. You now have the energy efficiency of a compact, florescent light bulb… and chicks dig that.

6. When all else fails… drug her with teddy bears

To a man, a teddy bear is just a stuffed animal. But to a woman, it’s a syringe loaded with Dr. Feelgood style narcotics. Don’t believe me? Check this out…

You probably know that progesterone is the hormone that releases parental and nurturing feelings in a woman. What you may not be aware of is that female bodies are wired to release it each time they see a baby – there’s something about the shape of an infant that instructs a woman’s brain to release this hormone into her bloodstream.

But what’s interesting is that any baby-shaped object will have the same potential to give your girl a jolt of the mothering cocktail. According to the authors, this is the reason women are more drawn to and will choose baby-shaped toys (short, stubby arms and legs, plump torso, oversized head and large eyes) over others.

Now that this is out, it’s only a matter of time before the DEA decides to raid your local Build-A-Bear. In the meantime, keep your girl far away from that place – she could very easily OD.

7. In a pinch, blame it on the roosters

A male primate’s brain is wired for variety, especially when it comes to sexual partners. Take the rooster, for instance. This creature is a horny little bastard who loves to tear through his harem of slutty hens on a daily basis. But the rooster cannot, however, mate with the same hen more than five times in one day. By the sixth time, his cock-a-doodle-do runs out of doodle, and he loses all interest in going another round. However, if at this point you introduce a new piece of tail into the fold, he’ll be instantly charged up and ready to go.

This phenomenon is known as the “rooster effect” and is seen in many species throughout the animal kingdom, not excluding humans. For most of our evolution, mankind has adopted a polygamous lifestyle for survival reasons – this way of life has been bred into us over centuries. And even though in this day and age we no longer have to worry about replacing countless droves of fallen soldiers, the male brain is still driven to seek out and impregnate as many women as possible.

So feel free to blame it on your biology when your girl walks in on you ravishing her roommate. You can always use the tried and true line, “Don’t worry sweetie. Once I finish boinking Christie four more times, you’ll be the hottest girl in the room.” Always works in a pinch.

That’s all I have for now. If you want to learn more, go check out the book. It’s a great read that’s chock full of interesting information. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m about to roll out to the clubs and personally demonstrate the “rooster effect” on my adoring female fans.

Till next time…

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Make it happen,

-Jay Cataldo