About a week back, I put up a tweet on twitter that got everyone all riled up. I’ll admit that it was a bit controversial, even for me. It read:
“The more frustrated men I work with, the more I believe that falling in love is the biggest mistake a man can make in a relationship.”
And of course, everybody started freaking out. While I did get a few “amen brotha”s, most of the responses (from both men and women) accused me of being “crazy”, “cynical” and an all-around poor excuse for a relationship coach. lol Pretty funny actually, but I understand why everyone was so upset. I quickly followed up with this:
“Now before the ladies assassinate me, let me point out that there’s a huge difference between loving someone and falling in love with them.”
And since there’s not much room for elaboration on twitter, I figured it might be a good time to put up another post.
Here’s the background info…
I’ve always been sort of a hopeless romantic my whole life so please don’t think I’m a jaded, misogynistic player type or anything like that. Now because I was never “good” with women when I was younger, I decided to devote my life to studying attraction and romantic love (kinda weird, I know) so I could eventually find a nice girl to settle down with. Thankfully, I have since made some VERY interesting discoveries, especially after helping hundreds of men with their dating/relationship issues.
A large percentage of my clients come to me after reading my book, “Get Your Girl Back,” so I do work with a disproportionate number of unhappy men, as one tweeter put it. However, this work has allowed me an in-depth look into the inner workings of man’s mind when he enters, what I like to call “the withdrawal phase” of a difficult breakup. If you’ve never experienced this yourself, consider yourself lucky because it’s one of the most difficult experiences a man will face in his lifetime (although it tends to get a bit less painful each time around).
Now before I make my case, let me go ahead and define what (I believe to be) the differences between “loving” and “falling in love.”
“Falling in love” is nothing more than an internal chemical process that can become triggered when we spend time with a person we’re attracted to (or simply have romantic thoughts about them). It’s an important biological function which helps persuade us to stay with the person we’re sleeping with so we can raise any potential children that the stork dumps on our doorstep.
Since the hormones/neurotransmitters/etc. subsequently released during this period produce a drug-like state of euphoria, it’s no wonder why lovers report feeling “high on life” where colors seem brighter, music sounds sweeter and the gustatory joy of eating Ben and Jerry’s pales in comparison to the sheer euphoria they experience when around their beloved.
Wow. Sounds just like being high on shrooms 24-7. Sign me up for some of that. Yet, just like how a heavy dose of psilocybin can lead you to believe you’re the second coming of Jesus Christ as you flee from the cops O.J. style (a story for another time), there are also a few “downsides” to the crazy mushroom punch cocktail I will hereafter refer to as “romantic infatuation.”
These downsides are (in my opinion):
1. Researchers (like the brilliant Dr. Helen Fisher, who I’m a huge fan of) have discovered that our bodies typically stop producing these love chemicals approximately three years into a relationship (Sometimes MUCH sooner. This is dependant on a variety of factors.). Because of this, we can safely assume that this “type” of love is not supposed to last indefinitely.
2. We can very easily become addicted to the feelings of romantic infatuation (much like a drug addition) and to avoid the pain that accompanies the loss of these feelings, we will frequently turn a blind eye to problems and issues in our relationships, as well as issues with our own behavior.
3. Many times, we don’t fall in love with our partner themselves, but with our perception of our partner (The more needy someone is, the more likely they’ll suffer from this tendency.) and the way they make us feel. This is a problem on multiple levels (see #2).
4. If your partner decides to end the relationship, your internal drug factory will immediately shut off as you enter a painful state of withdrawal that clouds all rational thinking. Much like how a heroin addict will behave when jonesing for a fix, a person stuck in the pain stage of a breakup will experience erratic mood swings and do whatever they think it takes to win back their lover, regardless of whether or not that person even wants them back. Some men will resort to threats, insults and violent behavior as they view their apathetic ex as the sole source of the crippling emotional pain they’re drowning in.
5. Romantic infatuation usually equates to “conditional” love, aka “I’ll love you unconditionally forever and ever and never hurt you. Unless, of course, you hurt me first or decide to remove yourself from my life for any reason whatsoever. Then all bets are off.” (see #4)
6. In an effort to keep the initial level of passion peaking indefinitely, some people start unnecessary fights and introduce ridiculous levels of drama into their relationships (this usually happens unconsciously). This back and forth between pain and pleasure helps keep the highs of the relationship incredibly intense as they get contrasted with painful, debilitating lows. The brain typically becomes addicted to this pattern, which is almost always destructive in the long run (see players, strippers and party girls).
So it seems that the very mechanism that creates the initial attachment at the beginning of a relationship can transform you into a raging lunatic as soon as your relationship is threatened. Add to this the fact that women will quickly lose attraction for a man who lacks the ability to control himself and you can see how getting hooked on romantic love can turn you into walking nuclear weapon set to go off the second your lover accidentally brushes up against the big red button. Definitely not a good long-term relationship strategy, imo.
So is there another option?
About ten years ago, when I was desperately searching for a way to get myself over a rough breakup, I stumbled across a mental technique that can quickly eliminate the pain of separation anxiety (No, it doesn’t involve sleeping with ten other girls. If you’re familiar with NLP, it’s a modified version of the swish technique).
I was rather shocked when I discovered it because I remember being completely obsessed and panic stricken one day and having zero negativity about the breakup the next. It was actually a little scary, since I had always believed that if you love someone, you have to be absolutely miserable after a breakup. But since I no longer felt any negative feelings, I began to wonder if I ever loved the girl in the first place, or if this meant that romantic love, as I knew it, wasn’t “real.” As an unlucky-in-love 21 year old, this screwed me up royally.
In any event, I found this technique to be so effective, that I started using it whenever I felt myself getting out of control in my relationships i.e., obsessing over a girl day and night or showing other signs of needy behavior. I even decided to teach it in my book, “Get Your Girl Back” so my students would have a way to quickly get themselves under control after a breakup.
With the help of this technique, I was able to curb my needy tendencies and, for the first time, have the ability to avoid OD’ing on the love drug. Whenever I started to become overly infatuated with a girl, I would use the technique to bring my emotions down to a comfortable level so I could enjoy my life instead of thinking about my girl 24-7 when she wasn’t around.
After doing much additional work on myself over the years, I eventually became a naturally laid back, non-needy guy who no longer flies off the handle into jealous fits of rage and insecurity at the first sign of relationship problems. As a result, not only do I now attract plenty of beautiful, intelligent women into my life, but I no longer feel the same level of romantic infatuation that I did when I was younger (even when I start falling for someone who’s truly amazing). Compared to before, it’s almost like the dial is turned way down.
So does this mean I’m no longer able to “really” fall in love?
Far from it. Actually, I’ve come to believe that what I was feeling all these years was anything BUT real love and have since formulated a whole new definition of what it means to truly love a woman in a healthy, mutually beneficial way.
Simply put, my new definition of love involves the following:
1. Taking a full, honest assessment of a person’s complete package, flaws and all, and making the conscious decision to shower them with care and affection, whether or not they behave the way you would like them to.
2. If your lover ever decides to end the relationship, as sad as you might be, you’ll separate amicably and wish them the best as opposed to lashing out at them in rash and desperation. What typically happens is once we decide someone is integral to our happiness, the burning need to possess them kicks in and we fly right off the handle the second they try to pull away. But I’d like to suggest if you truly love someone (and are not just suffering from a drug-fueled obsession) you should push through this pain and not let it affect your love and respect for them.
3. Finally, let me point out that just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean you should ever be a doormat. If the person you love more than life itself stops treating you the way you deserve to be treated, then you should make the conscious decision to walk away from the relationship, regardless of your feelings for them. Your level of physical attraction should never be your barometer for staying with someone whom you know on a logical level isn’t good for you. On the flip side, you shouldn’t automatically view the fading of intense attraction (which is almost inevitable when the relationship progresses past the infatuation stage) as a sign to jump ship and find someone new.
I believe that this way of looking at love encourages people to develop a solid, long-term strategy for making their relationship work; one which transcends the fleeting emotional foundation of the initial infatuation stage. I’m hoping this awareness will help couples grow closer together over time as they realize that the internal changes they experience may have nothing to do with the quality of their romantic bond, and may just be a glitch in our biological programming (or is our social programming the real problem? Hmmm…).
So the lesson here in a nutshell is simply this: Guys… no matter what happens in your relationship, do your absolute best to stay in control of your emotions at all times.
Let’s wrap it up here. I could have easily written 20 pages on this topic but I want to hear your thoughts. Do you agree? Do you think I’m nuts? Is falling in love something that should just happen or a process every man should be in control of?
Please post your comments below. The best comment from the guys wins a copy of “Get Your Girl Back” ($60 value). The best comment from the ladies wins a copy of my new CD “10 Secrets To Creating Your Ultimate Relationship” ($47 value).
Thanks for taking the time to read this. 🙂
Make it happen,
-Jay Cataldo
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I have studied this subject for 45 years, and am in the process of ending my second marriage after 22 years. I think that most of what you say is valid, but doesn’t take into consideration the idea of commitment. Do we really want a society where the love relationship and the product of those relationships is transient? I look around me and the children of divorce and living together relationships seem to be hugely impacted in negative ways by the experience of not having committed parents who choose to love for a lifetime through everything life throws at them.
Jay you hit this one out of the ballpark. I know we all love the idea of “falling in love” but the real kind of love, where you love someone unconditionally is so much greater. It’s deep, strong, quality and sooo much more romantic.
To know that someone loves you completely, including all your flaws – like that Alanis Morissette song, “Everything” – that only happens in relationship that is past the infatuation stage. What you are talking about is just so much healthier than infatuation. And you are right. We need to be able to let go when a relationship is no longer good for us and do it with love, not hate and bitterness. Thanks for this post. It’s a very positive message. I hope lot’s of people read it.
I have dated every end of the spectrum as far as women, older, younger, educated, uneducated, and the one thing I can say that holds universally is the fact that women won’t stay attracted to an emotionally needy man for very long. Clinging to a woman and behaving as though you have no life is a sure-fire way to kill attraction faster than you can say “22-skiddoo!”
Being in love is a wonderful thing, but not if the foundation of this love are unhealthy agendas, manipulation, intimidation,and obsessive-compulsive tendencies. Love can be achieved in a healthy manner, and that requires work, not only on the relationship, but on one’s self. And most people are not willing to put in that much work examining themselves and their mates. It’s easier to “order Chinese food” than to pull out the pots and pans and prepare a healthy home-cooked meal.
All-in-all, I agree with what Jay has to say. I interpret his assessment as one that needs to be taken into context. Basically, he’s saying that falling in love isn’t healthy if it’s not accompanied with a healthy level of perspective and self-awareness. And in that light, Jay is 150% correct.
I know from personal experience that love of another has to be balanced with not neglecting your own needs. You don’t have to be married forever to understand the opposite sex and what makes them tick!
I totally agree with you Jay. I came to discover that your method is the only way forward, after my last break up. I actually used Reiki to get myself through it. During each session I spoke to myself, basically repeating the points you list above. Love can make you insane – I’m never going back to that asylum! Great piece, thank you.
I totally agree with everything you said in your explanation of being “in love” as opposed to “loving someone”. I usually loose the infatuation in less than a year, at which time I realize what an awful choice I’ve made in a partner, but “love” the person enough to not want to hurt him…so I stay miserably in it for another year or so.
I just hit the 5 year mark in my current relationship and have to admit, I started giving up after 3years. Everything becaming clearer to me, as if my “blinders” were removed and I wasn’t overlooking all the things I would’ve while in the infatuation stage. Luckily I have also come to recognize this pattern in myself and try to evealuate my relationship based on “what’s important to me” and not based on a “chemical reaction” that I can only get from a break-up and make-up.
Great article Jay! Think what you’ve said makes a lot of sense and a very interesting read – thankyou for sharing it 🙂
Hi Jay,
It has been about six months since you helped me get my girl back. This is by far the happiest we have ever been with minimal drama. Thank you!
This article is full of truth, but can this choice to shower a person with affection really transcend the love drug?
I hope so, but I think we humans, or at least I, have a lot more to learn.
Thanks again Jay,
I always think about how much you have helped me, and am trying to find a better way to repay you.
I love the romantic passionate kinda ‘can’t wait to see you again’ stuff. But it never lasts. Everything else I can do myself, all I need from a man is to be totally infatuated with him and it be reciprocated. Unfortunately, this is fleeting. Is that what ‘soul mates’ are all about, does it last forever for some people? I won’t settle for companionship or someone to go to the movies with, I want passion and love forever……that’s why I’ve given up. I’m quite happy with my life, my job, my friends and family, and my sextoys.
Randy- Sorry to hear about your marriage. I think we’re on the same page here. My point was that it’s difficult to form a real, solid commitment until we get past the intial infatuation stage and make the conscious choice to love over the long-term.
Jenise- You’re my everything. 😉 Love you.
Carl- Great point, as always. Sometimes it’s tough to examine our own feelings with logic instead of thinking that love is some magical experience that transcends all comprehension, but I truly believe that it’s a man’s job to master his emotions and fully understand his true needs and desires. This level of self-awareness will lead to a deeper connection with the woman he chooses to spend his life with.
Sarah- Very cool. I was attuned for Reiki myself years ago. The entire concept still blows my mind.
Cindy- Thanks for adding your two cents, sweetheart. I have to hand it to you… even with all the ups and downs, you’ve been REALLY committed to making your relationship work and that’s nothing to sneeze at. Btw everyone, check out Cindy’s awesome articles at: http://definitivediva.com
Christina- Good points. I wouldn’t say I’m now devoid of emotion lol, but I know how to manage the negative feelings and get them under control before they get control of ME. And when my significant others get upset, I still get knocked off kilter occasionally. I think it’s perfectly normal AND healthy. I’m not too sure it would be fun going through life like a Dexter. 🙂 I totally agree that we should find balance somewhere in the middle.
Ellie- Thanks. 🙂
Jesse- Thanks for the kind words. They mean a lot to me. And that’s awesome that you and Kazu are still together. Congrats.
Blanche- I believe that passion and love can last forever but it takes an equal amount of work on both sides. If your partner doesn’t want to meet you 1/2 way, things are almost guaranteed to fade over time.
I too used to be a hopeless romantic, but the demise of my last relationship cured me of that, hopefully forever.
Frankly, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
Instead of running around searching for lust or “butterflies”, I can look deeper. Now I know when to let go, instead of clinging to something that is no longer good for me simply because I thought it was “meant to be.”
Society has so many of us tricked into looking for something that doesn’t exist. Life and love are not like the movies. There isn’t always a perfect ending. Relationships are full of ups and downs; people are full of flaws. Just as you said, real love is embracing all of that and still choosing to love someone else, unconditionally.
The sad part is that most of us have to go through a life changing, heart wrenching break up in order to finally wake up and discover what love really is.
I admire you for the work that you do and the commitment you have made to help others discover what you have. Your honesty is refreshing and just what the world needs.
I feel compelled to throw my two cents in. #assslap here we go…
First lemme just say I happen to agree with Jay. Falling in love is seriously hazardous to your health. Especially if you have a vagina. I swear that evil thing makes women bonkers. Yes I’m a woman and yes I have a vagina and yes I’ve already proven I’m bonkers. Moving right along….
Jay and I are very different ppl. He once asked me why I was so angry. And that my readers would always expect me to play the bitch character. Ummmm…character? Baby I’m all bitch ok. I’m not playin. We cleared that up right away and he still is willing to talk to me..knowing fully that it’s not going to be anything nice. Jay is apparently sort of a “hopeless romantic” and as you all know…I am not….prince charming can suck my ass.
(This is how hazardous it can be….you could end up mean and bitter like me)
Although I agree..there’s a difference in loving someone and falling in love with them. I also agree that falling in love can be hazardous to ones health. Jay has studied “love” and the behavior that goes with it…I haven’t…i’ve simply, unknowingly proved jay right. (You’re welcome Jay) I’ve turned a blind eye, overlooked things, let shit slide and fell in love with what I thought he could be and not what was looking me in the face(mr meth had potential before meth..complete waste of a very intellegant person. Meth destoyed any shred of the man I once knew) Ive made these mistakes and it has proven hazardous to my health. In the aftermath of mr meth and the alcoholic there were times I knew the only reason I was getting up on the morning was for my daughter…there were days when I believed she would actually be better off without me. I couldn’t fathom ever not feeling so down. I scared myself and it sucked.
(depression sucks….just sayin)
Years later, having survived “falling in love” with the wrong people and for the wrong reasons….i’ve learned to keep my eyes open and set my standards higher and to not “accept” things…if ya don’t like it now, you’re not going to like it later…..ignoring it wont make it go away…if this one isnt “the one” who the fuck cares?! Move on…without all the psycho drama….nobody likes that shit. life does not hinge on happily ever after…although THAT is probably where Jay & I differ the most. That and hes trying to improve people and Im….well….Im just not:)
Great article Jay! As one of your clients who is going through a breakup I can say that letting go is the hardest thing…But hanging on as I have for the last two months has done nothing and so: “If you love something let it go, if it comes back to you it is yours forever, if it doesn’t then it was never meant to be.”
Are you a professional journalist? You write very well.
I’m fascinated by the diverse range of views and opinions. Who’s your “go to” guy?
I found your blog on Google. I’ve bookmarked it and will watch out for your next blog post.
Thank you for the very useful information. It is greatly appreciated!
First of all I love your website, second, who cares what people think, this is what it is all about getting feedback making people see you and for the record, love is a very powerful thing and although i am suffering in that department, men and women are victims of the heart. BTW you can’t help who you fall in love with, or how its just the way it happens.
I am smitten by the way you mastered this topic. It is not often I come across a website with spellbinding articles like yours. I will note your feed to keep up to date with your succeeding updates.Just impressive and do sustain up the rational work.
Thanks for posting this, lifted my day.
A close friend has been going through this idea of loving someone so much that you forget who you are and put them first in everything you do. It’s crazy. You can’t ignore what you want to please the other person, that will come back to bite you in the butt.
Always enjoy learning more about dating. Nice work!
Hello, i really like reading your website. I like the way its put together, and totally dig the concept.