Have you ever been betrayed by an ex? Hurts pretty bad doesn’t it?
The good news is, there’s a way to eliminate the pain of a betrayal and it doesn’t involve meds or years of therapy. If you’d like to learn what it is, then keep reading…
Q: I am back with my ex and the relationship is INCREDIBLE now. (We have split up for 3 months) – I got her back and a BIG THANK YOU, JAY!
I have a final question: She slept 1 or 2 times with her ex before me (but apparently didn`t like it – it’s the reason she left him) and then I got her back.
How do I handle feeling “betrayed” and get the pain out of my body, along with the mental movie (she sleeping with him etc.) – I don’t want to even it out or stuff like that.
(I had some sessions with you and also bought your book) – Thank you so much!
(name withheld), Germany
A: Glad you were able to get your ex back. As far as handling the betrayal, it’s never an easy road. However, it’s good that you’re focused on working through it since it’ll need to be resolved if you want to have the best chance at a lasting and successful relationship.
For the future, I recommend learning to be unfazed by female sexual behavior. From what I recall of your situation, your girl didn’t cheat on you – she slept with the new guy after your relationship ended. As upsetting as this might be, imo, she didn’t do anything wrong.
Women enjoy sex just as much as men and most will have sex with other men after a breakup. This is totally normal and natural and must be accepted (as hard as it may be). If you’re threatened by the thought of your girl sleeping with other men, it will come across in your behavior and usually lead to a loss of attraction – coincidentally increasing the chances that she WILL end up sleeping with someone else, so be careful.
As far as eliminating the negative charge around memories, the best technique for this (one I use with all my clients) is EFT. For those unfamiliar with EFT, it’s a form of emotional acupressure where you tap on certain acupressure points while keeping your mind focused on the feelings you want to eliminate. I’ll be the first to say it’s a little weird (ok, it’s REALLY weird) but it gets results like nothing else I’ve seen.
In your case, you should tap on all aspects of the memory until you can think about it without having a negative emotional reaction. You can learn the basics of EFT at http://www.emofree.com/ but I recommend you seek out a competent practitioner who can walk you through the process and make sure you get the results you’re looking for.
Make it happen,
-Jay Cataldo
Exactly. Getting over jealousy is my second favorite accomplishment on the relationship side of my (just after getting my girl back from a super rich guy -thanks to Jay)
for me, I was able to turn the feelings of jealousy into feelings of love. Basically, I think about it like my girl is worth something to a lot of guys, and THAT is part of what makes her special.
I would RATHER be with a girl that gets attention than one who doesn’t.
This guy sounds pretty lame in wanting his ex back after she slept with another dude. This is a case of typical WUSSY behavior and will ultimately lead to his girl doing even more humiliating things to him in the near future. Taking back a woman after she’s slept with someone else is akin to taking back a pair of your underwear of socks after another man has worn them! This type of behavior conveys lack of self-esteem as a man and sends out signals that he’s willing to “work through” just about any indiscretion on the part of his woman — not a good place to set the relationship bar at all.
Furthermore, this guy’s girl said she slept with only one guy, but my guess is that she made the rounds…
EFT is what i have used to help myself with many problems. All iwant to say is a big ups to EFT.
Yes i have been cheated on and i just moved on however it made me more hard on other men and i ended up with male macho attributes which wasn’t attractive to the men i did want. Gosh. That is quite funny.
No one should tolerate nor accept cheating, whether they are male or female. Cheating is an acute sign of disrespect for one’s mate and the relationship in general. If someone has no respect for you or your feelings, then how can that constitute love?
Jesse- I love that mindset. Most guys say they want to date a beautiful and special woman but aren’t able to handle everything that comes along with that. Getting a handle on jealousy is something every guy needs to work on.
Carl- In this case, I’m not quite sure it was an “indiscretion.” They were broken up for some time before she slept with another man. From my point of view, she didn’t do anything wrong (cheating, etc) and if he truly loves the girl and wants to make it work, then why shouldn’t he give the relationship a second chance? Now if she cheated on him it would be a different story.
Moana- It’s quite normal to develop defense mechanisms after being hurt by someone we care about. But sadly, our new defenses can make it harder for us to be our most attractive selves. I think it’s important to find a balance.
Jay, I respect your opinion immensely, but wouldn’t you feel a little weird being intimate with a woman, going your separate ways, getting back together after she’d been intimate with someone else and acting like you never skipped a beat as a couple.
I understand that different individuals approach relationships differently, but I believe deeply that when the ships have passed, they’ve passed. Maybe I’m being too harsh on this guy, but it seems kind of desperate to reach back into the past to “rekindle” things with the ex. In any event, I enjoy this exchange with you all.
Jay, is it possible that this guy from Germany is merely in love with the idea of being in love, that his ex may have been his first major squeeze, so he will always see “stars” when it comes to her? In that case, his emotions are overruling his head — never a good thing in romance. I know it’s easy for me to jump on the soap box and be clinical, but wussy behavior in guys always disturbs me, and it seems that this gentleman displayed a little bit of it.
Hi Carl – Yes, I agree that would feel a little weird but it happens all the time. And since most people end up getting back together because they care about each other, yet still carry around this emotional pain, I think it’s useful to learn to be unfazed by it.
So your ex slept with someone else… big deal. If you were broken up at the time, then she’s perfectly in the right to sleep with whoever she wants, as are you. And if you decide to give it another shot, then that’s a decision you both come to together and there’s nothing wussy about that. Now if you were cheated on, that’s a whole different story and you can argue that it could be wussy to take her back depending on the circumstances.
And I feel you, believe me. Wussy behavior from men drives me just as crazy. It’s just that from what I know of the situation, this guy’s not acting as wussy as his email makes it seem.
But you have a point… he may in fact be overly attached to his ex which makes him more likely to take her back and put up with bad behavior than go out and create a new relationship with another woman. But we all make relationship mistakes (even me) and I look at it like he now has a chance to man up, cut out the wussy shit and command his girl’s full respect and devotion the second time around. He may not get it right this time either, but as long as he keeps trying to become a better man, then I will always support that.
Thanks for your comments, Carl. They’re always appreciated. 🙂
I can’t argue with that, Jay! Bottom line — I like to see relationships where each party respects and appreciates the other.
Hmmm,
In my mind, her sleeping with someone else after a break up is the same as her sleeping with someone else before you started dating.
Essentially, if you can’t handle it, than the only person you can handle is a virgin. And THAT is wussy to me. Not having control over emotions is super wuss teritory.
Not that I haven’t had my wussy moments, but it all comes down to what mindset you are in. If you are letting her back into your life just to have some fun, in a state where you are both free to date others, for example.
If you used that mindset, then she (or he) would likely end up pushing for exclusivity in no time.
Then who is the wuss. Also, in many cases, both partners had their fair share of sleeping around during the breakup, further making it unclear who is the one that is Willing to “work through” anything.
In my case, I did not have anything to work through in this area, because I simply had no negative feelings at all. It was actually very interesting to learn about the other guys.
And on top of that my four year relationship runs much smoother now, after we got back together.
What confuses the hell out of me is how guys hang onto one particular woman as though she has something special he can’t find anywhere else on earth — that’s deep! You “work through” a situation if the woman is someone you plan on being with long-term or possibly marrying. If she’s just a “time killer”, then a guy would be foolish to invest so much mental energy “working through” anything.
Carl, you make a huge point,
And the answer to that one escapes me. I guess if you are planning to make a family, and if you want that to happen sooner than later, then it’s not the fact that there is anything necissarily special…
There is however, familiarity.
I have a great handle on what a mairrage would be like with my girl of four years.
If i start over with a new girl, I will have some cool new high feelings, and a lot of work to do until I get a handle on the dynamics of the new relationship.
To me, it’s a viscious cycle, and because I’m not Jay Cataldo, I am honestly clueless about what to do.
Would it be fun to have a different hot girl each month, yep.
Do I want a family? Yep.
Conflicting values and desires are going to get us nowhere, and that is exactly where mist guys, including myself, probably are
This may be a little insight from a woman’s perspective….
I cheated on my boyfriend and broke up with him because I knew it was wrong and that things hadn’t been good for a while. When a woman is feeling unappreciated or not having her needs met (usually emotionally) she will easily be pulled away by someone who “claims” to be more understanding and attentative.
Sex with the other person can be good (or not so good), but might not even have much to do with why she left in the first place. I realized I really missed my boyfriend because even though things weren’t good, I never stopped loving him. He gave me another chance and things have NEVER been better! He said he tries to focus on the person I am when I’m with him and realized the things he needs to also change, and I am so grateful to him for giving me another chance. Sex with another person can never be that good when You’re pining over the person you love.
Well.. I don’t think she did cheat…. After all, the relation was over…
But still, often the person goes through an emotional trauma like imagining them together, etc.
If somehow the guy can eliminate that thought, then they can be back together, but if he can’t let that go, anyhow, it will cause them pain and agony..
That’s what I think personally…!!
Jesse, I feel you totally! None of us has a complete handle on women and what makes them tick. I think what most men get used to is the “fit” they have with a particular woman(i.e. she knows his habits, quirks, likes, dislikes almost better than he does). But the funny thing about that is that there are probably tons of women we “click” with extremely well, if only we took the chance to meet them. Let me tell you brotha, I live in NYC, and meeting a woman with the personality type, intellect, nurturing instinct and ambition I’m looking for isn’t as easy as you might think. If a woman is smart and witty, she may also be snide, bitchy and hard to please. On the other hand, if a woman is nurturing, personable and down-to-earth, she might not necessarily be deep intellectually. So it’s often a “trade-off” in most cases because few women are “stacked” in every area we may desire.
Cindy, not to be judgmental, but a guy who accepts a woman back after she’s cheated is setting himself up for trouble in the future — and I feel the same way about guys who cheat on their girlfriends or wives. Any man or woman who accepts someone back after they’ve cheated on them is basically saying “my self-esteem is below sea level, so your cheating really isn’t that big of a deal and anyway, I doubt I can do better than you”. I could never take a woman back after she’s cheated — it’s like someone else wearing your socks or underwear for a day and giving them back to you — YUCK! But that’s just my opinion, nothing etched in stone. Keep in mind, however, that as you progress deeper into the relationship with the person you cheated on, his/her feelings of betrayal will crop up anytime you have a serious argument, and he/she will usually feel that they have leverage because they can pull out your infidelity as an issue whenever it’s convenient.
If they broke up, they broke up for a reason, and the fact that she saw fit to sleep with someone else was basically her way of “nailing shut” the coffin of the relationship. Always keep in mind that whenever you shut someone out of your life, there’s usually a reason — it didn’t happen on a whim, and usually there was lots that lead up to it. Breaking up and making up is ok as long as the relationship wasn’t “buried” by one party or the other. Once one person sleeps with a third party, they are basically saying “the relationship is dead, so I might as well live it up and move on with someone new”.
Why betrayed? You were not dating at the moment, so it is not betrayed. What a nonsense.
Hey guys, thanks again for all your comments. As usual, you all make some great points.
I wanted to comment on something that Jesse said, which I think is incredibly insightful and powerful: “In my mind, her sleeping with someone else after a break up is the same as her sleeping with someone else before you started dating.
Essentially, if you can’t handle it, then the only person you can handle is a virgin. And THAT is wussy to me. Not having control over emotions is super wuss teritory.”
Being able to remain unfazed and unthreatened when other guys hook up with your girl gives you a HUGE advantage and helps you appear even more attractive to a woman. Of course, this is easier said than done (for myself, included) but there’s no denying the power that mastery jealousy and other negative emotions can bring.
So is the “standard” behavior of freaking out when another guy comes into the picture an innate response, or a symptom of self-worth issues? And more importantly, will the attainment of Jesse’s level of emotional mastery (in this context) lead to healthier and more satisfying relationships? Thoughts?
I don’t really know if it’s about “emotions” and “handling one’s emotions” in this instance. Think of it this way — many, many guys out there won’t date a woman who have two or three kids already. Why? Because to them, a woman with two or three kids is considered “used goods”. Now is that rational, yes or no? I bet the guys on this blog saying it makes no difference if an ex sleeps around after breaking up is not a problem will be the same guys who wouldn’t waste their time dating women with kids. Isn’t that HYPOCRISY, in a sense?
Emotional mastery is quite important, especially when dealing with women in big city settings, since these women tend to play more “games” in the course of mating than women who reside outside big city settings. If you set standards of behavior and boundaries of what type of behavior you will NEVER tolerate in a relationship, chances are your emotions won’t be severely tested, if at all. Guys who struggle with their emotions tend to be guys who tolerate certain adverse behaviors in women — they also tend to attract combustible and unpredictable women!
Wow, for me, it’s not the used goods that bother me… It’s the “extra goods” of I loved the kid(s) I would still consider a relationship.
For me, and I am probably wrong, kids mean faster commient -to give the kids stability. They are also a financial strain, and night out on the town roadblock.
Not dating women with kids is in no way due to them being used goods.
I meant the women being “used good”, not the kids. This is just how many men think — I’m not saying it’s right or wrong.
Oops, I worded that last one wrong.
What I meant to say is I probably would not date a woman who has kids. But the reason is not because I see the woman as used goods.
The reason is that I am not ready for the responsability of children.
That’s what I wad trying to say in the last message I sent.
I’ve dated women with kids — without getting into race, it’s difficult to find women of color (i.e. African-American or Hispanic) who don’t have kids in NYC. It may be different in other places, but to find women of color with no kids in a city like New York, you’d probably have to visit a college campus.