One of the issues that’s been coming up a lot lately for my clients is bedroom-specific performance anxiety. For men, not being able to perform on command scares the crap out of them which is understandable considering their virility is as closely tied to their sense of self-worth as their incomes (and possibly more so).
I know lots of young guys in their 20’s and 30’s who resort to popping dangerous erectile drugs to avoid possible embarrassment. What they don’t realize is that it’s unrealistic to expect yourself to perform on cue every single time since there are many reasons for not being able to maintain an erection (few of them physical). But instead of focusing on the various nuances of the problem, let’s talk solutions.
By the way, this isn’t something that only men are concerned about. Women are also affected by various forms of sexual anxiety. Most are plagued with thoughts such as “will my body turn him on” and “what if he gets grossed out by my cellulite” as well as the standard pregnancy issues. For the ladies who’re concerned about making a great impression (and having as much fun as possible) in the bedroom, the following quick tips will also apply to you.
Tip 1: RELAX! – Stressing about your performance increases the chance that your equipment will fail you. Practicing meditation will train you to relax your body on command – a skill which comes in handy in the bedroom. One simple way to reduce your anxiety is to focus on making your breathing slower and deeper.
Tip 2: Stay present – Instead of worrying about whether your partner is enjoying themselves, make sure that YOU’RE having fun. Stay focused on what’s happening in the moment and really allowing yourself to enjoy the sensations. For instance, if you’re playing with a woman’s hair then you need to put all your attention on it and nothing else. Feel how soft her hair is… enjoy the way it smells, etc. It helps to mentally say things like “Wow. Her hair is so amazing. Other guys would kill to be where I am right now.” Remember to keep your focus on whatever is feeling good to you in the present moment.
Tip 3: Lay off the alcohol – For most guys, this is the bigger killer of erections. Some liquors have a more pronounced effect than others (whisky comes to mind). Alcohol can also help you relax, however, so it’s a double edged sword. The important thing is to understand how your body reacts to it and stay well within the green zone (for some people, this means stopping after 1 glass of wine).
Tip 4: Plan for the worst case scenario – For most guys, the worst case scenario is that they can’t stay up and their partner is going to think less of them. Here’s the thing… your girl’s reaction will be highly influenced by your attitude about the situation. In other words, if you act all distraught then she’ll probably feel the same way.
So when, be prepared to make light of the situation (act like it’s no big deal). Here are a few lines you can use in a pinch:
a) Laugh it off/make a joke: “Whoops. I guess he’s tired today. It probably wasn’t the best idea to drink half a bottle of Patron for breakfast.”
b) Blame it on stress: “I’ve been really stressed all day from work. Let’s just relax for a bit and start up again later.”
c) If it’s the first time with the girl, show a little vulnerability: “You know, I have to admit that I’m little nervous tonight. Can you do me a favor and stop being so sexy?” (most girls will eat this up since they might be thinking you’re not attracted enough)
Tip 5: Get checked out – While the problem is usually a mental issue, lots of guys nowadays are experiencing lowered levels of testosterone due to a wide variety of reasons. A simple blood test will alert you to any possible hormonal problem that should be addressed.
Two quick notes for the ladies:
The more turned on you are in the bedroom, the more turned on your man will get and the more he will enjoy himself. Guys love to feel like they are doing “a good job” and if you are getting really into it, then he will take credit for your pleasure and get even more into it. But if you look like you’re not enjoying yourself then he’ll probably start thinking “uh oh… what am I doing wrong” which will increase his anxiety and yank him out of the moment.
Also, if your partner is experiencing performance issues then act as if it’s no big deal and focus on some other part of the sexual experience. 70% of the time he is just nervous so when you reassure him that everything is fine and you’re not disappointed then he’ll usually be able to snap out of the mindset that caused the problem in the first place.
The advanced techniques I share with my private coaching clients are a bit too extreme to reveal here but if you put the above tips into action you’ll probably be good to go. Give them a shot and let me know how you fare.