I was recently interviewed in the March issue of Cosmopolitan about how to get over past hurts and move on with your life. The article, however, was a bit disappointing since they only used about 5 minutes worth of the 30 minute interview. I’m fully aware of their space constraints but since the published tips were taken out of context, their readers are going to have some difficulty implementing them.

To rectify the situation, I’ve decided to post all of the tips from the interview on my blog so you can successfully use them to let go of anything that’s been holding you back. Give them a shot and let me know how well they work for you.

You can read the original Cosmo article here: http://jaycataldo.com/cosmo.pdf

Preliminary Steps (to be completed before main forgiveness work):

Step 1: Make a list of everything that’s been bothering you.

Step 2: Starting with the first item, begin to reflect on how much MORE pain you’re feeling by choosing to hold onto it. The Buddha said that holding onto anger is like holding on to a hot coal with the intention of burning someone else. YOU are the only one who gets hurt. Ask yourself: “How is holding onto this incident negatively affecting my life?” Write down your insights.

Step 3: Take full responsibility for all of your pain. If you have grieved for a few months and the situation still feels raw, then it’s because you are choosing to not move on. By making this choice you are playing a victim role. Would you rather continue to be a victim or be free of your pain for good? It might be time to make a new choice.

Step 4: What would your future self say to you about this issue? Would they tell you it was a good idea to hold on to the pain for another 5 years or that it was a smart decision to let it go and move on? Ask yourself: “Will I still be upset about this issue 5 years from now?” If not, then why not let it go right now?

Step 5: Once you’re ready, start your forgiveness work. Remember to go back to your list and complete all of these steps for each item.

Forgiveness Work

Step 1: You first need to understand what forgiveness is and how it benefits only YOU, not the other person. Forgiveness is a completely internal process; you don’t have to let the person know you’ve forgiven them, nor do you ever need to interact with them again. You’ll know your work is done when you can think about the issue and no emotional distress arises.

Step 2: Acknowledge the offense. Let the uncomfortable feelings come up and feel them as intensely as possible with your eyes closed. Don’t try to distract yourself or shut them out. Sit with all the feelings until they dissipate (it could take anywhere from 1-15 minutes). The key is to let go of the situation (stop thinking about it) once the feelings come up and then focus only on the sensations in your body from that point forward. Perform this step each time these feelings come up over the course of the week.

Step 3: Once the feelings have left, picture the offender in your mind’s eye and say whatever you need to say to them. Get it all off your chest. Don’t hold anything back.

Step 4: Ask yourself, “Was it the incident itself that hurt me or the way I chose to label it that’s causing me pain?” Can you change how you look at it the situation/see it from a different perspective? Write down any insights.

Step 5: Was there a lesson to be learned from the experience? Write this down. What can you do to make sure this type of situation can never happen to you again (or at least minimize the chances of this)?

Step 6: Did you gain anything positive from this experience (strength, new insights, etc)? Do you know anyone who has suffered through a similar circumstance but turned out ok in the end? Write all of this down.

Step 7: Are you experiencing any secondary benefits from holding on to this pain? Many times we will be reluctant to let go of the problem if we are benefitting from it in some way. Be honest with yourself. Do you get extra attention (from friends, family, etc) by holding on to the past and not forgiving this person? Can you achieve these benefits some other way? How?

Step 8: Tell yourself the offender is just like you, trying to seek out pleasure and avoid pain. They are just doing the best they can and, since we’re all human, we all frequently make mistakes. Sometimes, people have deep-seated issues that lead them to purposely try to hurt others. They are usually replaying some childhood drama that has nothing to do with you, other than you just happened to get caught up in it.

Step 9: Ask yourself if you have ever done something similar to something else. Have you ever hurt someone’s feelings, etc? Didn’t you wish you could have been forgiven for your own transgression?

Step 10: Ask yourself: “What would an independent 3rd party say about this entire situation and the way I’ve been handling it?” Write down your insights.

Step 11: Simply decide to forgive them and let the situation go. Say “I forgive you and set you free” to the person in your mind’s eye. You do NOT have to do this in the real world. In fact, you don’t have to let the offender know you’ve forgiven them if you don’t want to. Just wish them the best in your heart and hope they get to a place where they no longer have to act this way towards others.

Step 12: Forgive yourself for the part you played in the situation. You were only doing the best you could at the time so let go of all blame, shame and guilt regarding your actions. If this is tough, repeat the above steps again on your own part in the situation.

Step 13: Now it’s time to move on. What would you be doing if this incident never happened? Pick a goal you’d like to achieve now that this old incident can no longer hold you back. What’s the smallest step you can take right now in the direction of this goal? Go take that step.

Troubleshooting:

If you still find yourself thinking about the situation (or person), only allow yourself 5 minutes a day to think about it and feel bad (set a timer). Afterwards, force yourself to think of something else each and every time those thoughts pop up.

You can also snap a rubber band on your wrist each time the thoughts arise. Over time, they’ll come up less and less. After the snap, make the mental pictures of the incident small, dark, disassociated (see yourself in the picture) and make it float far away from your face. Notice how your feelings start to change after making these modifications.

If the feelings come back and overwhelm you, go back to step 2. Close your eyes and sit with your feelings until they dissipate.

If you get stuck, go and find a competent hypnotherapist or TIPI practitioner to help you release your negative emotions.

-Jay

To help you start the new year off on the right foot, I’ve compiled 28 of my best tips which will help you transform every area of your life. Implement these simple principles and you’ll barely recocognize yourself this time next year.

Click on the link to see the full post: http://www.jaycataldo.com/28-tips-to-transform-your-life

Wishing you all the best in 2014,

-Jay

In this TedTalks video, social psychologist Amy Cuddy explains how our body language can quickly change our hormone levels as well as our moods. This is not only fascinating but it confirms what I’ve been saying for years. Check it out and then go work on your “power poses.”

-Jay

I wanted to share another success story that will inspire you to reach your goals in 2013. Ahmed (or Mickey as he prefers to be called by friends and family) started working with me less than two years ago. During our time together he has made some absolutely astonishing progress. I won’t bore you with all of his many accomplishments but I wanted to share his two biggest ones…

Not only has Mickey lost over 70 kilos (155lbs) but he also met his dream girl and they are due to get married some time next year!  This just goes to show how dedication to a goal and a bit of hard work can transform your life in a very short time. Mickey truly is an inspiration to us all and he has finally (after a bit of coaxing) created a new facebook page and started a blog which you can check out here: https://www.facebook.com/LiveLifeOnTrack

Now something else that’s inspiring for all the guys out there that think they need to be in perfect shape to attract a beautiful woman. Not only is Mickey’s fiance absolutely gorgeous but they started dating BEFORE he lost the weight. I’ve said many times that while it’s important for many reasons to be in shape, your social skills, ability to take action and belief in yourself as a man are far more important for attracting women than your physical appearance. If you had trouble accepting this in the past, well, here’s the proof.

Thanks again to Mickey for showing us all that ANYTHING is possible when your desire is strong enough. And if you’re ready to experience INSANE results like this, then go get yourself a coach for 2013.

-Jay

I guess you have been a life coach for a while, but to me that doesn’t mean that you have actually helped anybody just that you’re good at marketing yourself. What i’m wondering is do you have a girlfriend, are you in a happy relationship. You say you used to be dorky, and now you are different but is that just marketing or are you really having amazing relationships?

If you really are talented at helping others and you aren’t in a relationship that’s just fine, im just wondering do you really have skills for helping people’s relationships and do you have any couples that have any testimony to this? –A.D.

A: Hey there. Thanks for writing in. First of all, I’ll be the first to tell you that you should NOT blindly listen to anything I, or anyone else has to say. First, you should look over the information. Next, you should ask yourself if there’s a possibility that it might be beneficial to you in some way. Finally, you should go test it out and decide for yourself if it’s useful or if it should be ignored.

And yes, just because I claim to be a life coach doesn’t mean I’ve helped anyone. I mean, all the testimonials on my site are from real people, but who’s to say I didn’t fabricate them? And even if I was able to prove that I’ve helped millions of people, so what? All that matters is that YOU get your desired result. So again, I recommend that you forget about everybody else, test everything out on your own, and decide for yourself whether I know what I’m talking about, OR if I’m full of crap. And if you really feel there’s nothing at all you can learn from me, you can always click the unsubscribe link at the bottom of this email.

And as far as my relationship status goes, I’m not currently in a committed relationship but I am dating some amazing women. The fact that I work 14 hours a day makes it difficult to settle down right down. But committed relationship or not, I can tell you that the women I date treat me the way every guy dreams of being treated. And if you study my strategies, you can easily replicate my lifestyle.

P.S. While I tend to work one-on-one and rarely do couple’s counseling, if you google my name you’ll come across a video of a couple publicly thanking me for helping to salvage their relationship. It’s funny because the girl is Japanese and doesn’t speak any English.

P.P.S. And although I like to keep my personal life as private as possible, followers of my facebook and twitter pages get a tiny peek behind the scenes.

Make it happen,

-Jay Cataldo

 
The good news is, there’s a way to eliminate the pain of a betrayal and it doesn’t involve meds or years of therapy. If you’d like to learn what it is, then keep reading…

Q: I am back with my ex and the relationship is INCREDIBLE  now. (We have split up for 3 months) – I got her back and a BIG THANK YOU, JAY!

I have a final question: She slept 1 or 2 times with her ex before me (but apparently didn`t like it – it’s the reason she left him) and then I got her back.

How do I handle feeling “betrayed” and get the pain out of my body, along with the mental movie (she sleeping with him etc.) – I don’t want to even it out or stuff like that.

(I had some sessions with you and also bought your book) – Thank you so much!

(name withheld), Germany

A: Glad you were able to get your ex back. As far as handling the betrayal, it’s never an easy road. However, it’s good that you’re focused on working through it since it’ll need to be resolved if you want to have the best chance at a lasting and successful relationship.

For the future, I recommend learning to be unfazed by female sexual behavior. From what I recall of your situation, your girl didn’t cheat on you – she slept with the new guy after your relationship ended. As upsetting as this might be, imo, she didn’t do anything wrong.

Women enjoy sex just as much as men and most will have sex with other men after a breakup. This is totally normal and natural and must be accepted (as hard as it may be). If you’re threatened by the thought of your girl sleeping with other men, it will come across in your behavior and usually lead to a loss of attraction – coincidentally increasing the chances that she WILL end up sleeping with someone else, so be careful.

As far as eliminating the negative charge around memories, the best technique for this (one I use with all my clients) is EFT. For those unfamiliar with EFT, it’s a form of emotional acupressure where you tap on certain acupressure points while keeping your mind focused on the feelings you want to eliminate. I’ll be the first to say it’s a little weird (ok, it’s REALLY weird) but it gets results like nothing else I’ve seen.

In your case, you should tap on all aspects of the memory until you can think about it without having a negative emotional reaction. You can learn the basics of EFT at http://www.emofree.com/ but I recommend you seek out a competent practitioner who can walk you through the process and make sure you get the results you’re looking for.

Make it happen,

-Jay Cataldo

Here’s the breakdown of our 3 day adventure (a huge thanks to my good friend Plato for helping me concoct the itinerary):

Day 1

5pm: Picked her up from the airport

6pm: Went back to my place and chilaxed with some wine

8pm: Headed over to Haru for an amazing sushi dinner (corner of 3rd ave and 76th st). Super cool little spot with great music and ambiance.

9:30pm: Stopped at random Irish bar to have a few drinks with my friends (tip: always try to introduce your date to your friends, especially females, if possible.)

11:30pm: Club Cielo (18 little west 12th) – house music, great crowd, great vibe, one of the best sound systems in the city

Day 2

10am: Attempted breakfast at Le Pain Quotidien (7th ave and 58th). Way too packed, so ate at Café Europa one block over

11am: Took a stroll down 5th ave. Random stops at the Apple Store, Fao Schwartz, St. Patricks Cathedral (a must see for catholic girls. try to abstain from acting out catholic school girl fantasies while inside), and Rockefeller Center (you MUST see the tree in December).

3pm: The Gingerman (36th and fifth) – awesome german bar – Chilled out on the couches while eating german sausages and drinking imported beer.

5pm: Headed to SoHo for some shopping

7pm: Lombardi’s (32 Spring st) for a slice of the best pizza in NYC

7:30pm: Headed home to shower (shower together if possible), change and relax.

10pm: Tiapol (10th ave btwn 23rd and 24th) for Spanish tapas dinner

Midnight: Club Pacha for the Ibiza experience

6am: Somehow made it home and instantly passed out.

Day 3

Noon: Crawl/flop out of bed

12:30pm: Brunch at home

1:30pm: Grocery shopping for tonight’s dinner

2:30pm: Watched “True Romance” (every couple should watch this movie together)

4:30: Did Gary Vaynerchuk wine tasting “date” (http://jaycataldo.com/blog/dating-advice/the-vaynerchuk-experience) with wine and cheese (I recommend the raw gruyere from Whole Foods)

6pm: Had my sweetie start cooking dinner (ALWAYS have your girl cook you dinner, if possible)

10pm: Grom (Broadway and 76th) for the best Gelato in the city

11pm: Moomia Lounge (Lafayette and Grand) – One of the coolest lounges in the city – Different music/crowd every night, Egyptian décor, sushi menu and hookahs! Eclectic and super awesome. Where else can you chill on a plush couch with your drink, hookah, shrimp tempura, and house music and then be able to order fried ice cream at 2am? One of NYC’s best kept secrets (bring a girl here and it’s on like Donkey Kong).

Monday Morning: Sent her home with the same scented candle we burned all weekend, a bar of the scented soap we washed with (both from the awesome Lux Naturals http://luxnaturals.com/) and a mix cd of all the music I played for her so she has multiple reminders of her incredible weekend.

And that’s how you rock a date in NYC. Now go forth and bring the magic.

Make it happen,

-Jay Cataldo

P.S. Don’t forget to go ahead and request your FREE 30min “Rapid Transformation” coaching session by going here: SIGN ME UP!

“Ok, Jay, She finally said yes. So what do I do now?”

Aka: “It took me three months to convince her to go out with me but I have no clue where I should take her. What do you suggest?”

Now first off, let me say that, even though I’m a dating coach, I’m not a huge fan of dating. In fact, I think a guy should do whatever he can to take himself out of the “dating” frame and instead, make it very clear that the two of them are just “hanging out.”

I’ll usually say something like, “Just so you know, we’re not going on a date tonight. Dating equates to a boring dinner, a sappy movie and a cheesy goodnight kiss. We’re not going to do any of that. We’re just gonna hang out and have some fun.”

Having said that, there are a few things to keep in mind when you’re spending time with a girl you’re interested in. The first thing is, you want to pack in as many places/sensory experiences as you can in the shortest amount of time possible.

For example, instead of sitting at the same bar all night, have a couple drinks, leave to grab a quick bite to eat, then stop at an ice cream place on the way home. The more places you take her to, the longer she will feel she has known you (since she’ll have more memories of you together).

Last month, I had a super cool girl fly out to visit for a few days. Since we were already pretty close, and she had never really experienced New York City before (not properly, at least), I decided to go all out and show her an amazing time.

Now, I don’t recommend going this over the top with a girl you just started dating, because it may come off like you’re trying too hard. Also, it sets a ridiculous precedent that will be impossible for you to live up to on a consistent basis.

Having said that, stay tuned for part 2 of this post where I’ll be breaking down our entire three day adventure from start to finish. If you’re ever in NYC and decide to follow this protocol (or just parts of it), I promise that your girl will love you forever… or at least until the weekend is over.

Check out part 2 here: NYC Dating Magic Part 2

Make it happen,

-Jay Cataldo

P.S. Don’t forget to go ahead and request your FREE 30min “Rapid Transformation” coaching session by going here: SIGN ME UP!

When it comes to picking out gifts for someone you care about, sometimes it pays to step outside the box and give them something creative and from the heart. It’s not always about the price tag.

Jessica… I was so touched by this, honey. Thank you. Will you marry me?

As you can imagine, Steve was absolutely devastated. While his girlfriend supported him as best she could, his depression and negativity put a major strain on the relationship. A few months later, she decided to break it off which made things a hundred times worse for the poor guy. All in all, a very sad story on many levels.

When most guys come to me for breakup advice, they’re usually looking for a magic line or phrase that somehow erases the past and gets their girl to run right back to them like Lassie. Unfortunately, my advice isn’t always what they want to hear.

For instance, the very first step I recommend to my breakup clients is that they let go of all attachment to their desired outcome. While often dismissed as “new age nonsense” this step provides powerful results for those who put it into action.

For some reason, after you let go completely and allow yourself to accept the fact that your relationship may be over for good, the chances of winning your lover back will increase dramatically.

There are many theories about why this works, so I won’t expand on it here. But I will say that I’ve found this mindset to be helpful, not only with relationships, but in ALL areas of life. Because of this, I suggest you make a habit of embracing detachment.

So what is detachment exactly and how do you get there?

When explaining this concept to Steve, I brought up some parallels to his military training. For example, the military will condition you to act appropriately on the battlefield, regardless of what’s going on in your environment. No matter how anxious or scared you might be, you have to stay focused on the task at hand to ensure that you and your team make it out alive.

Now one of the first things a soldier must do is make peace with the worst case scenario – for many, it’s losing their life on the battlefield. But after he completely accepts this possibility and stops resisting it, it will no longer have any power over him. From that point forward, he’s much more likely to act appropriately IN SPITE OF his fear.

This process doesn’t just apply to military combat. In Steve’s case, I explained that he needed to make peace with his biggest fear: that his girlfriend ends up hating him forever, falls in love with someone else and never speaks to him again. A tough pill to swallow, yes, but acceptance of this outcome will help him minimize the typical neediness and other attraction-killing behaviors that most guys display after a breakup.

So how does one go through this process? After selecting your doomsday scenario, you should go ahead and picture it vividly until you can feel the resulting negative emotions. Once you get to the point where you’re about to lose your lunch, ask yourself honestly, “Is my life now truly over? Is this REALLY the worst thing that can happen in my life? Won’t I eventually move past this?”

Hopefully, it will start to dawn on you that while coming up short undoubtedly sucks, you’ll inevitably find the strength to cope with whatever happens and find a way to move on.

If you have trouble believing this, don’t forget to remind yourself of the past disasters in your life and the ways in which you overcame them. Since it’s so easy to forget our accomplishments and victories, an occasional reminder of our awesomeness helps create the confidence we need to shrug off our setbacks and disappointments.

So you may not get that job you want? Oh well. You’ll find something better. Your significant other might be cheating on you? That would really suck, but it’s their loss and you’ll eventually find a more loving and loyal partner. Grandma refuses to bake you cookies? Ok, this one’s pretty serious.

All kidding aside, once you free yourself from your fear of the worst case scenario, you’ll be more likely to make the decisions that will help you avoid it altogether. Fear immobilizes us, keeping us stuck inside our heads and cut off from our flow state. By embracing the fear, you can easily hop over the hurdles and create the outcomes you desire.

And if you have trouble accepting the worst case scenario, realize that you’re most likely blowing things out of proportion. It might be helpful to imagine all the ways your life could be a million times worse (be thankful you’re not getting shot at on a daily basis).  Once put in perspective, most of our problems are actually pretty laughable.

Before I wrap this up, I want you to think about how empty your life would be if uncertainty didn’t exist. As much as you might believe otherwise, you’d probably be bored to tears.

Since our obstacles and challenges give us an opportunity to feel alive, welcome your next one with open arms as you realize it’s just another opportunity to show the world how powerful and resourceful you are (something to keep in mind the next time Grandma shuts off the oven and kicks you out of the kitchen. ).

*This post is dedicated to all the brave men and women who have sacrificed their lives so people like me can sit on our asses and write blog posts from the comfort and safety of our own homes. There’s no way any of us could ever thank you enough.

P.S. If you liked this article, please join my mailing list by entering your name and email address into the form on the right. You’ll be notified by email when new articles are published and will also receive my free report “Push The Button” as a gift.

P.P.S. Don’t forget to request your FREE 30min 1-on-1 “Rapid Transformation” coaching session by filling out the form on the home page. Go here now: SIGN ME UP!

Make it happen,

-Jay

“The more frustrated men I work with, the more I believe that falling in love is the biggest mistake a man can make in a relationship.”

And of course, everybody started freaking out. While I did get a few “amen brotha”s, most of the responses (from both men and women) accused me of being “crazy”, “cynical” and an all-around poor excuse for a relationship coach. lol Pretty funny actually, but I understand why everyone was so upset. I quickly followed up with this:

“Now before the ladies assassinate me, let me point out that there’s a huge difference between loving someone and falling in love with them.”

And since there’s not much room for elaboration on twitter, I figured it might be a good time to put up another post.

Here’s the background info…

I’ve always been sort of a hopeless romantic my whole life so please don’t think I’m a jaded, misogynistic player type or anything like that. Now because I was never “good” with women when I was younger, I decided to devote my life to studying attraction and romantic love (kinda weird, I know) so I could eventually find a nice girl to settle down with. Thankfully, I have since made some VERY interesting discoveries, especially after helping hundreds of men with their dating/relationship issues.

A large percentage of my clients come to me after reading my book, “Get Your Girl Back,” so I do work with a disproportionate number of unhappy men, as one tweeter put it. However, this work has allowed me an in-depth look into the inner workings of man’s mind when he enters, what I like to call “the withdrawal phase” of a difficult breakup. If you’ve never experienced this yourself, consider yourself lucky because it’s one of the most difficult experiences a man will face in his lifetime (although it tends to get a bit less painful each time around).

Now before I make my case, let me go ahead and define what (I believe to be) the differences between “loving” and “falling in love.”

“Falling in love” is nothing more than an internal chemical process that can become triggered when we spend time with a person we’re attracted to (or simply have romantic thoughts about them). It’s an important biological function which helps persuade us to stay with the person we’re sleeping with so we can raise any potential children that the stork dumps on our doorstep.

Since the hormones/neurotransmitters/etc. subsequently released during this period produce a drug-like state of euphoria, it’s no wonder why lovers report feeling “high on life” where colors seem brighter, music sounds sweeter and the gustatory joy of eating Ben and Jerry’s pales in comparison to the sheer euphoria they experience when around their beloved.

Wow. Sounds just like being high on shrooms 24-7. Sign me up for some of that. Yet, just like how a heavy dose of psilocybin can lead you to believe you’re the second coming of Jesus Christ as you flee from the cops O.J. style (a story for another time), there are also a few “downsides” to the crazy mushroom punch cocktail I will hereafter refer to as “romantic infatuation.”

These downsides are (in my opinion):

1. Researchers (like the brilliant Dr. Helen Fisher, who I’m a huge fan of) have discovered that our bodies typically stop producing these love chemicals approximately three years into a relationship (Sometimes MUCH sooner. This is dependant on a variety of factors.). Because of this, we can safely assume that this “type” of love is not supposed to last indefinitely.

2. We can very easily become addicted to the feelings of romantic infatuation (much like a drug addition) and to avoid the pain that accompanies the loss of these feelings, we will frequently turn a blind eye to problems and issues in our relationships, as well as issues with our own behavior.

3. Many times, we don’t fall in love with our partner themselves, but with our perception of our partner (The more needy someone is, the more likely they’ll suffer from this tendency.) and the way they make us feel. This is a problem on multiple levels (see #2).

4. If your partner decides to end the relationship, your internal drug factory will immediately shut off as you enter a painful state of withdrawal that clouds all rational thinking. Much like how a heroin addict will behave when jonesing for a fix, a person stuck in the pain stage of a breakup will experience erratic mood swings and do whatever they think it takes to win back their lover, regardless of whether or not that person even wants them back. Some men will resort to threats, insults and violent behavior as they view their apathetic ex as the sole source of the crippling emotional pain they’re drowning in.

5. Romantic infatuation usually equates to “conditional” love, aka “I’ll love you unconditionally forever and ever and never hurt you. Unless, of course, you hurt me first or decide to remove yourself from my life for any reason whatsoever. Then all bets are off.” (see #4)

6. In an effort to keep the initial level of passion peaking indefinitely, some people start unnecessary fights and introduce ridiculous levels of drama into their relationships (this usually happens unconsciously). This back and forth between pain and pleasure helps keep the highs of the relationship incredibly intense as they get contrasted with painful, debilitating lows. The brain typically becomes addicted to this pattern, which is almost always destructive in the long run (see players, strippers and party girls).

So it seems that the very mechanism that creates the initial attachment at the beginning of a relationship can transform you into a raging lunatic as soon as your relationship is threatened. Add to this the fact that women will quickly lose attraction for a man who lacks the ability to control himself and you can see how getting hooked on romantic love can turn you into walking nuclear weapon set to go off the second your lover accidentally brushes up against the big red button. Definitely not a good long-term relationship strategy, imo.

So is there another option?

About ten years ago, when I was desperately searching for a way to get myself over a rough breakup, I stumbled across a mental technique that can quickly eliminate the pain of separation anxiety (No, it doesn’t involve sleeping with ten other girls. If you’re familiar with NLP, it’s a modified version of the swish technique).

I was rather shocked when I discovered it because I remember being completely obsessed and panic stricken one day and having zero negativity about the breakup the next. It was actually a little scary, since I had always believed that if you love someone, you have to be absolutely miserable after a breakup. But since I no longer felt any negative feelings, I began to wonder if I ever loved the girl in the first place, or if this meant that romantic love, as I knew it, wasn’t “real.” As an unlucky-in-love 21 year old, this screwed me up royally.

In any event, I found this technique to be so effective, that I started using it whenever I felt myself getting out of control in my relationships i.e., obsessing over a girl day and night or showing other signs of needy behavior. I even decided to teach it in my book, “Get Your Girl Back” so my students would have a way to quickly get themselves under control after a breakup.

With the help of this technique, I was able to curb my needy tendencies and, for the first time, have the ability to avoid OD’ing on the love drug. Whenever I started to become overly infatuated with a girl, I would use the technique to bring my emotions down to a comfortable level so I could enjoy my life instead of thinking about my girl 24-7 when she wasn’t around.

After doing much additional work on myself over the years, I eventually became a naturally laid back, non-needy guy who no longer flies off the handle into jealous fits of rage and insecurity at the first sign of relationship problems. As a result, not only do I now attract plenty of beautiful, intelligent women into my life, but I no longer feel the same level of romantic infatuation that I did when I was younger (even when I start falling for someone who’s truly amazing). Compared to before, it’s almost like the dial is turned way down.

So does this mean I’m no longer able to “really” fall in love?

Far from it. Actually, I’ve come to believe that what I was feeling all these years was anything BUT real love and have since formulated a whole new definition of what it means to truly love a woman in a healthy, mutually beneficial way.

Simply put, my new definition of love involves the following:

1. Taking a full, honest assessment of a person’s complete package, flaws and all, and making the conscious decision to shower them with care and affection, whether or not they behave the way you would like them to.

2. If your lover ever decides to end the relationship, as sad as you might be, you’ll separate amicably and wish them the best as opposed to lashing out at them in rash and desperation. What typically happens is once we decide someone is integral to our happiness, the burning need to possess them kicks in and we fly right off the handle the second they try to pull away. But I’d like to suggest if you truly love someone (and are not just suffering from a drug-fueled obsession) you should push through this pain and not let it affect your love and respect for them.

3. Finally, let me point out that just because you love someone, it doesn’t mean you should ever be a doormat. If the person you love more than life itself stops treating you the way you deserve to be treated, then you should make the conscious decision to walk away from the relationship, regardless of your feelings for them. Your level of physical attraction should never be your barometer for staying with someone whom you know on a logical level isn’t good for you. On the flip side, you shouldn’t automatically view the fading of intense attraction (which is almost inevitable when the relationship progresses past the infatuation stage) as a sign to jump ship and find someone new.

I believe that this way of looking at love encourages people to develop a solid, long-term strategy for making their relationship work; one which transcends the fleeting emotional foundation of the initial infatuation stage. I’m hoping this awareness will help couples grow closer together over time as they realize that the internal changes they experience may have nothing to do with the quality of their romantic bond, and may just be a glitch in our biological programming (or is our social programming the real problem? Hmmm…).

So the lesson here in a nutshell is simply this: Guys… no matter what happens in your relationship, do your absolute best to stay in control of your emotions at all times.

Let’s wrap it up here. I could have easily written 20 pages on this topic but I want to hear your thoughts. Do you agree? Do you think I’m nuts? Is falling in love something that should just happen or a process every man should be in control of?

Please post your comments below. The best comment from the guys wins a copy of “Get Your Girl Back” ($60 value). The best comment from the ladies wins a copy of my new CD “10 Secrets To Creating Your Ultimate Relationship” ($47 value).

Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Make it happen,

-Jay Cataldo

P.S. If you liked this article, please join my mailing list by entering your name and email address into the form on the right. You’ll be notified by email when new articles are published and will also receive my free report “Push The Button” as a gift.

P.P.S. Don’t forget to request your FREE 30min 1-on-1 “Rapid Transformation” coaching session by filling out the form on the home page. Go here now: SIGN ME UP!

For some people, this phenomenon occurs in every area of their lives. For me, it happens each time I get the silly idea to tackle a new online project.

My first website, GetYourGirlBack.com was a total nightmare, and understandably so, since I knew nothing of internet marketing at the time. Next came JayCataldo.com, a site which should have been up in a week but took three months because of unforeseen problems.

By the time I was ready to launch DefinitiveDiva.com, you’d think I was a pro at foreseeing the unforeseeable.

Nope. More aggravation. More insanity. More handfuls of my hair ripped out by the roots.

And now, my newest site… the one that should have been up and running three months ago… is still not finished. When I say that every conceivable thing that can go wrong has… I’m not exaggerating in the least.

Have you ever had one of those days where you’re completely convinced Ashton Kutcher was about to burst through the door with a camera crew? How about having that day 120 days in a row? Yeah, something like that.

So how do I deal with all this nonsense? Whenever faced with life’s overwhelming adversities… such as finding a glaring error in a video I spent 14 hours recording… getting up to 50,000 followers on Twitter only to be unceremoniously banned for no reason… devoting six months of my life to a project that ends up netting me $3.14 a month… I do what most people do…

I freak the f*#$ out.

I scream, I curse and I punt small animals over the Brooklyn Bridge. I contemplate the quantum probability of my infinite number of failures and convince myself that I was undoubtedly cursed by a one-eyed gypsy woman. In bed, I toss and turn for hours, wondering why I ever left my comfort zone in the first place. And then I completely give up…

…until the next morning when I somehow forget about all the de-motivating things I said to myself, turn a blind eye to the pain and desolation I was bathed in just a few short hours ago and get right back to work.

But why?

Why on earth would anyone (who’s not a complete idiot) continue this pattern of behavior?

Because things almost always work out in the end. That’s why.

If you really think about it… no matter how crazy life seems to get, things usually have a way of working themselves out, albeit not as quickly as we would like.

• Almost every work related issue I ever ran into was somehow resolved a short time after. Even my Twitter ban (which is the stuff nightmares are made of) was lifted within 24 hours.

• Every relationship that ended in disaster taught me something important. And I realize, in retrospect, they would have eventually made me miserable had they not ended.

• All my childhood health issues pushed me to study nutrition and alternative medicine incessantly and, as a result, I now know how to take better care of myself than 90% of the population.

I could go on and on… but it’s probably a good time to make a point.

How many times have you flipped out and put your head through your new flat-screen TV over something that no longer mattered a few days later? How many hours have you wasted pacing back and forth, fretting over a hopeless situation that mysteriously worked itself out the next day? How many times have you let yourself become filled with blinding rage and snap out on someone who was unfortunately in the wrong place at the wrong time?

If you’re like me, the answer is somewhere in the gazillions. For whatever reason, no matter how many times the universe has come through for us in the past, it just takes one brand new disaster for us to lose all our faith and crank up our blood pressure to stratospheric heights.

Here’s the thing… problems are an integral part of life. I’ve come to realize the more you’re out there trying to make it happen, the more things will blow up in your face. It’s inevitable. In fact, if you DON’T have big problems in your life, then you need to get off your ass because you’re not doing anything that’s worthy of your time.

So… if massive problems along with massive headaches are almost guaranteed, then it would make sense to have a better coping strategy. And since getting all bent out of shape never helps the situation, and in fact, usually makes it worse (stress damages our insides, impairs our thinking and leads us to dump a ton of negativity onto those around us), we need to make a conscious decision to do things differently the next time the shit hits the fan.

As an experiment, it might be a good idea to repeat the following mantra whenever our world starts collapsing around us:

“Relax. This is just temporary. Everything will work out just like it always does. Woooosaaaahhhh.”

Unless, of course, your TV is still under warranty. If that’s the case, it’s time to break out the sledgehammer.

Oh, and about that “tranny” thing. I got the idea for this post from a spoof video of “Entourage.” Not only does it hysterically bash the show’s played out plot lines, it’s a great reminder of what we just discussed. Check it out and then share your own horror stories down below so I know I’m not the only one with a black cloud over my head.

Make it happen,

-Jay Cataldo

P.S. If you liked this article, please join my mailing list by entering your name and email address into the form on the right. You’ll be notified by email when new articles are published and will also receive my free report “Push The Button” as a gift.

P.P.S. Don’t forget to request your FREE 30min 1-on-1 “Rapid Transformation” coaching session by filling out the form on the home page. Go here now: SIGN ME UP!

P.S. If you like this video, please join my mailing list by entering your name and email address into the form on the right.  You’ll be notified by email when new articles are published and will also receive my free report “Push The Button – Seven Proven Success Secrets For A Total Life Transformation” as a gift.

P.P.S. Don’t forget to request your FREE 30min 1-on-1 “Rapid Transformation” coaching session by filling out the form on the home page. Go here now: SIGN ME UP!